Breakups and Makeups (in no particular order)

the meeting
the onion he held
signified my past
i in the past
he in the past was some sort of
and then
before she saw me
i saw her and showed her to her room
she came quietly
though i remember her differently
yet before i was seen
i saw him and he was taking me to it
i coming softly
though he seems the same
all this we thought
and still we may also have said it
she seemed so old
and calm at first
though this and that had always
and those before and then
when even behind she had managed

i held the onion while she talked
we tried to but always
whenever she i had pulled away
that was and still is my way
so she had and finally
so here we are
and there we were
ten years ago july (near each other)
looking for what to say and then
i found something
i tried to grasp her arm but she laughed
and so made me feel uncomfortable

The End of the Affair
I stumble through the house
At night curl up

In the book of hours
Open enigmas are retained images

My whole life has a stiffness about it
I do not want to let go

They want the fence removed
So the front of the house resembles the others

You tried to demolish my collection
Of women straddling clocks

Each time you chipped me
I became a sea anemone

In the thicket the ram
Was there all along

Penetrating the confusion
Is not always possible

We sit folding
Quietly hands

the letter
i wrote a letter
the one you haven’t forgotten
or forgiven me and though we still live together
at night when you pull the covers over your lower half
even then i see in your eyes the resonance
of that singular event
unique in its conciseness of my desire
(or was it the thought of desire)
for another as if
. . . as if
in growing old together you sabotaged
my dream of oneness with you and of dying together
in a flaming plane or a car accident
an unfortunate late-blooming genetic abnormality

yet at night
when the shades are down
and the windows wide open
what more can i do
but try and hold the thought
(or the thought of the thought)
of being alive
despite the forgetting
the dodging of cars
where i didn’t quite say what i wanted
to say . . .

i touch your eyelashes
with my fingertips
and remember what keeps us apart
at the ocean on a hot day
to dissipate into a pit in the sand
until the waves cover it
and no trace
remains

after all it was just last sunday when
as is your wont before bed
as i pulled the covers over us
i began to think of you
in a certain way

something said something done something said
i came home
she told me no you cannot
i of course replied yes i can
but still she went on until
tell me i said to her
but she wouldn’t
so
and then i
until she got the message

things are falling she said and
so i replied not even
the park was cool
tell me i said but again she cut me
fuck off i told her/hair brown as ever

have you, yet, or, until,
but of course i hadn’t
why should i/said
she closed her eyes
when we were just about to she then said
in a not too pleasant voice when will you will you and i can then
sure i replied but don’t go on so long
but can i tell you
sure sure have you freaked
no no no it’s just my way
and i tried to walk a-
so she, still lingering
grabbed me come where are you wait
so i did
and so i did
until when she in which case i until my came from
the end

monique
then everything was okay
until we went sailing
then when told
she had found someone else

when finished hearing her out i
and into the evening had done
with the entire affair
she lingered in my brown arms and
before taking off my hat was nude
except over and among her you know what
a small, yellow, hard, yellow edged,
transparent, fragrant, expensive but inherited from an aunt
bauble of some sort of precious stone
was perched oh and strangest of all
the other women I’d had on my boat
monique her black hair disappeared
into the night romantic

turned off the radio
and slowly like the gulls
chasing in the wake of the
i turned to her monique i said
monique i said
she moaning on my right knee
then the boat rocking
waves crashing over the bow
wind sweeping the beer cans off the deck
i said monique
pressed her green lips to mine
monique but before then when she my all the
monique
not tonight

ann—the rainbow
whom do you know
what do you think

it’s simp1e
not too clear
still you are asleep
listening is it possible

no boundaries
anywhere but when
there is a rainbow
the sky has changed
and you, no longer deaf

ann
sand wanders then so
you realize the other turn for their own sake

I can’t keep together
shut it please
or everything will fall out
that’s right

what if

then all is over and drawled out dead

Untitled (30 June 1975)
For a moment
Everything was clear
After we pulled apart
We gathered closer
And vacuumed the living room

For a moment
I thought it was all
Taken care of
Then I had a glass of ice
Cold Water and
Like that lost it

one day
it stopped.
after everything it just.
then everything was as it had been
as it always is.
even with them.

he sat in his room trying
but he couldn’t even
one day he stopped even that.
after every day of,
he just did.
then everything was as it had been.
it always is.

you always forget Camus said.
even with them.
though he never knew them,
Camus, that is,
and she sat in her room with her
and she was.
even she couldn’t
so she went and instead she until,
until even that,
until even everything they once.
then she took off her clothes.
after she felt better.
yet even that soon no longer and when that,
then she
though he was thinking of Camus.
so she waited.

one day she stopped.
after the whole ordeal she was just
then everything as it had.
it always is.
even with
still
they held on
to small
like the,
and he to her.
though during their,
he never even once
and she
her eyes
couldn’t
though she tried

it was all.
things went on.
they always do

the parting
they can’t
so they and then they
they go on
each time but they just can’t seem
so they and they and then
indeed they even
so what does she says
she says if you then you could
and since i now you don’t
so i too and therefore it can’t
and furthermore i won’t
he nods
you idiot she says why the
hell can’t you even so i can
because if you don’t then when the
i will so you see
he nods
they just can’t
or maybe sometimes won’t
for each time they and they
do and she says why not and
but he doesn’t agree
so she and you and if you won’t i too
won’t
he nods
try me and when I
then you can
and they but it didn’t so until
then she and they both knew
so when the time came he turned to her
and she to him
indeed they had though they
but instead she waved
yes
yes
yes
i won’t
ever again
i won’t

our way
we were going on in the usual way
getting mad
making up getting mad
breaking up making up
falling in love out of love
then in love again
all this over and over

until we went away
then it was just over
you in london
me in new york

yet we couldn’t go on
still
we went on
1975

i don’t know
they and they are
and moreover they are over
and still they
more and still they moreover but then
there they are
where they still are

then again and more again
on and on
until moreover still and until just
over and over they go
since whenever they are
again
and again

the more they are over they go on
just when they would
and they would if but just because
until it would since by now and then when they
but who would they are i don’t know
summer 1975 new york

was she there
she was
but no never
she was to in behind before at there and over

she was then she
and then she turned
she was mine but they
but they but who
because i was
i was tired
i went all the way
too
all the way she was
she just wasn’t
here
with me here in the room she was between
and under near or else
if
if it if it if it if it it is
into in she told me

i she before but
after she pushed me behind since
for and another
across away away she told me
then it came
all for before but how
was i to know she told me
off indeed instead and if then but and furthermore we never really did
get off

so i that was was i
there i was